10 Things Not to Say to a Bisexual Woman

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1. “Want to have a threesome with my boyfriend and me?”

I want you to know that I very seriously considered just listing this one 10 times and calling it good. In fact, go back and read it nine more times — that’s how important it is. Responding to a woman telling you she’s bisexual by requesting a threesome is not remotely cool, polite, or acceptable. Above all, it is not remotely going to work. Just because someone is attracted to both men and women doesn’t mean she’s attracted to both you and your boyfriend — or that she’s into group sex. And treating bisexual women like sex objects makes them want to sleep with you less, not more.

2. “That’s awesome — you get twice as many dates!”

Just, no. First of all, bisexuals aren’t necessarily attracted to twice as many people as monosexual (straight or gay) folks — just a somewhat broader variety. “Bisexual” doesn’t mean “indiscriminate.” We still have types. Also, lots of gay women and some straight men won’t date bisexual women because of rampant stereotypes about cheating, dishonest bisexuals, so being out as bi might actually mean a person gets fewer dates.

3. “Oh, sure, everyone experiments in college.”

Do not treat people’s orientation like a phase. In fact, unless you’re talking about the moon, try to avoid using the word “phase” altogether — it’s insulting and dismissive. A person’s sexual identity is real, even if that person is young or uncertain or eventually settles on a label that suits them better. Besides, lots of people who end up being gay have straight sex when they’re young and still figuring things out, and no one ever writes that off as “experimenting with heterosexuality.”

4. “Bi chicks always go straight in the end.”

Anecdotally, I will agree that I know more bisexual women in long-term partnerships with men than in long-term partnerships with women. But can we talk about why that is? It’s not because bisexuality isn’t real or because it’s just a phase. It’s because more men than women are attracted to women. The population of straight and bisexual men is just plain bigger than the population of gay and bisexual women, so, assuming that all other factors are equal, of course bi women will more often find male partners. Also, sadly, biphobia in the gay community often means it’s easier for a bisexual woman to get a date with a dude than with a lady. Continue reading here…

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