Bisexual Women Discuss Their Long-Term Relationships With Men

A look into the experiences of bisexual women who happened to fall in love with men.

1. “I guess we can cross the bisexual off your chart, can’t we? That was just a phase.”

“I was in a new city, needed a doctor, so filled out my health history, my partners, etc. I’ve only ever been with my boyfriend and one woman, so it was a big deal when I wrote down that I was bisexual on that form. (At least for me; it was the first time I had identified myself in that way.) A year or so later, when I got pregnant, we went back in to the doctor to confirm and after we had heard our baby’s heartbeat for the first time, seen that it was a real being, that our lives were about to change, the nurse comes in to do my examination (my boyfriend had left at this point) and tells me in a sly voice, ‘I guess we can cross the bisexual off your chart, can’t we? That was just a phase.’”

2. “Since I was attracted to boys, I just assumed I was straight and ignored the attraction I felt for girls.”

“I’m a bi/pansexual woman married to a straight man. I grew up in a Christian, conservative family. My parents never said that homosexuality was wrong, but they never really said it was OK either. I think they didn’t want to address it. But my church made it clear to me as a young person that it was only OK to be straight. Since I was attracted to boys, I just assumed I was straight and ignored the attraction I felt for girls. I never gave myself the chance to think about it because I was safe where I was.

Shortly before I married my husband, I finally left Christianity behind, for many reasons. This started a period of self-exploration for me. I was finally able to think about who I really am and what I really believe without some old white guy telling me the ‘right’ answers and condemning me for any deviance. It’s been wonderful and freeing. Part of this was learning that I’m not straight. I realized that I was falling in love with one of my female friends (who is also bisexual). I also started to realize that strict monogamy may not be the best idea for me. I would very much like to be able to love more than one person, but my husband is and wants us to remain strictly monogamous. He never even seems to notice anyone else!

I think my parents would accept my bisexuality, especially since I’m married to a man and therefore not actually dating women, but they’re still busy processing the fact that I’m not Christian. In a way, marrying a man makes it easy to ‘hide.’ People just assume you’re straight. It can be freeing not to have to worry about people’s negative reactions to even just seeing you with your partner. But on the other side of the coin, it makes me sad that I even need to hide or worry about these things.”

3. “It’s like coming out all over again.”

“I have avoided telling my queer friends that I am in a relationship with a man. It’s like coming out all over again and I’ve experienced resistance against it. It feels like you are mistrusted, that people think you have actively chosen to take the route of most privilege without considering the ways in which you are now held at the margins by the community you most identify with. I am new to this relationship and still trying to navigate how to move through both worlds. Sometimes it means passing depending on the context because it’s hard to play the role of educator and/or be on the defense all the time. Even with friends, I’ve faced microaggressions in the form of jokes: ‘How does straightness feel?’” Continue reading here.

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