17 Sex Things You Do in College That You Never Have to Do Again

1. Feeling a little creepy about having sex in a twin-size bed like you’re two oversized 10-year-olds at summer camp. Oh, baby, there is nothing sexier than the sound of some creaky, 50-year-old wood, and the fleeting thought that so many strange freshman have been here before you…

2. Walking around all day like a cretin hunchback woman because you spent the night on a mattress on the floor. Grown adults do not put their mattresses on the floor. Repeat after me: Do not put their mattresses on the floor.

3. Staring at an Urban Outfitters tapestry while you orgasm. That vaguely problematic, probably culturally appropriated tapestry you bought for $50 to make your shitty apartment a little cozier is actually the last thing I want to see while we’re having sex.

4. Sitting in the hall like you’re in timeout because your roommate is fucking that frat guy again. She knows you come home every day after your 2 p.m. class and yet here you are again, SEXILED from your own dorm room.

5. Waking up in an apartment that looks like a highway patrol office. You know they want you to ask how they got all those random stop signs and road signs, but do not flatter them with your questions. Traffic signs are not art. And I’m pretty sure stealing them off the road is a crime???

6. Hoping your futon doesn’t swallow both of you up like a horny sex taco. Super nice of Mom and Dad to let you take that futon from the basement, but getting swallowed up in those musty cushions is a total mood killer.

7. Pretending 69 is actually good. It’s bad.

8. Wondering how those pubes got onto the WALL of the dorm bathroom you’re hooking up in. I’m also pretty sure semen clogs the shower drains, so sexing in the dorm shower is basically a crime against humanity. So guys definitely don’t want to be consuming pills from sites like www.semenax.com and then unloading in the shower, it will most definitely be clogged after the first use.Continue reading here.

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